Cultivating Authenticity and Resilience in Schools with Tammy Fellers

welcome to Resilient Schools.

I'm here at the Bridging to
Resilience Conference and excited

to have Tammy Fellers here.

Tammy, would you mind just
introducing yourself and telling

us a little bit about what you do?

Sure.

I'm Tammy Fellers.

This is my 13th year with Edstack.

And I have two roles.

I'm a member of the Inspired
Leadership team, where we do

leadership

coaching, leadership consulting really
helping schools with the culture of their,

School or district or team, whichever
the case may be, and then I'm also the

professional learning director here.

So I oversee

kind

of all of those teams and making
things click together With

resilience and inspired leadership
and our core content areas as well

Okay, cool.

When I was here yesterday, I saw
people getting coached during

the day just in the hallway.

Tell me about those coaching sessions
that happen at the conference.

We're a team of four certified
professional coaches and we offered to our

participants if they had something they
wanted to be coached on we could do that.

And one of the things that we
really focus on is the difference

between coaching and therapy.

We are not therapists, we're coaches.

We believe all the answers lie within.

And our goal is to look forward.

Maybe we'll look at what triggered
us or what's blocking us, but

how do we help someone who's
been ruminating on this thing?

They can't get that last
chapter of the book done.

They have a difficult conversation.

They're avoiding.

And we coach them to take action
and we don't provide solutions.

We don't provide answers.

We provide space and curiosity.

So really giving them the space.

To be heard, we're a neutral party, we're
not involved, we don't know the people,

we don't even need to know the people.

But we're going to ask really great
questions, is our job, to get you

to want to take action and move
forward, resolve this conflict, um,

yeah, and so you gave a couple different
examples, so it's not just coaching

for only school related situations.

It's whatever you need, right?

Absolutely.

It is whatever you need.

Often times they come, often
times a person comes to us with

a school related thing that

really

starts to open up there's a couple of
blocks that are getting in the way.

Because the reality

is,

Personal impacts home and home impact,
or professional and professional impacts

personal, and so oftentimes maybe
they're missing that conflict that's

happening between the two, and, as we
hold the mirror up with kindness, it

allows them to see, oh, here's where
that disconnect is coming into play.

Yeah.

So I coach school principals also.

And one of the things that is
really interesting is that sometimes

they don't bring up those personal
issues when the personal issues are

really the things that are causing
the block at school, for example.

And and so being able to say, look,
it's okay to talk about something else.

That's not specifically school related.

They're still.

We can still do that.

So what you said that
they're certified coaches.

What is the certification that you guys

certification?

So we went through IPEC, the Institute
for Professional Ethics and Coaching

we're energy leadership coaches and
sometimes people can get a little

icky about that word or
not sure about that word.

If you would like to replace
that word with attitude, mindset,

awareness, consciousness, any of
those words will really fit in there.

We I said we're a member of the
Inspired Leadership Team, and if

you were present in front of me
looking at any of our literature,

the I and the N are capitalized for

Inspired.

We are not inspirational
rah like cheerleaders.

I'm not saying we aren't going to
be your biggest cheerleader, but for

us, the I and the N are capitalized
because leadership begins with N.

It's about...

The internal work that we as leaders have
the opportunity to do to be able to be our

best self, influence others, lead others.

If we can't lead ourselves we
are not going to be successful

leading other people.

And so, We are energy leadership
coaches and really look at what is

our level of awareness for what we're
experiencing, why we're experiencing it,

and how that is impacting those around

us.

And so we have three pieces we look
at, the ABCs, the A is awareness.

Raising our awareness
so that we can B, build.

Joy, Trust, Teamwork, Collaboration,
whatever word you want to fill in there.

We've got to raise our awareness
to be able to build what we want

to build, so we can be conscious
leaders versus reactive leaders.

That's great.

A couple of things.

The energy, God, spirituality,
all that kind of stuff.

When it comes down to it, we're
all talking about the same thing.

When it comes down to it, we're
all talking about the same thing.

We're just using whatever
words we're comfortable with.

And so what I tell people is, I'm
going to use these words that are.

That I'm fluent in, and if
you don't like it, just change

it to what you're fluent in.

And you, I'll talk to you using my
language, and you talk to me using

your language, and it's totally fine.

We don't need to get into a
debate about energy or mindset

or awareness or whatever.

It just doesn't matter, because
it's really the same thing.

And, I found a lot of power myself in
that, because I'm not I'm not so self

conscious about it as I was before.

And a good example is I prefer
to use the word love when I'm

talking about about loving others.

And somebody the other day said that
it was unconditional positive regard.

And it's you know what, if you
want to use that word, that's fine.

I'm still going to use love.

If that makes you uncomfortable,
I'm sorry about that.

But I'm going to speak in the
language that makes sense to me.

And I think that if we can do more
of that and let people believe

what they want to believe and use
the language that works for them.

Now, as a coach, I can be adaptable
and use your language if that helps

you feel better and feel good.

But at the same time it's also a lot
easier to be fluent in your own language

than it is in another language, right?

So the second piece of that is
talking about conscious leaders.

What does that mean, specifically?

I'm choosing my action versus that
maladaptive behavior just coming out of

Yeah.

and, we want to, I think
about with kids, right?

They have behaviors that sometimes We
want to replace with a new one, right?

Instead of, you know, when somebody asks
them to do something, and they snap back,

no, if you think about it, home and a
mom, we want to instill a new behavior.

We all have those.

this.

As a 53 year old, I have
behaviors that the second this

happens, it's a trigger for me.

this happens next.

If I can raise my awareness
around when this trigger happens,

can I do something different?

And one of the pieces that we just
really look at is within a team.

What are those triggers that
we have and when we react,

we

do damage.

We break down the parts of the
team so I can still be triggered.

That may not change for me.

I can put all the shields up sometimes
a one or whatever, and I'm still,

that is still a trigger for me,
but I can choose how I respond.

And so for us, that's what we
mean by conscious leadership.

I can still experience fear, worry,
dial, anger, defiance, skepticism.

I

don't have to lead from.

There, I can lead from somewhere else.

If I'm aware of that, I can
make a conscious based decision

versus a fear based decision

versus a fear based decision.

Yeah.

One of the things I really like
about that is that it's not reactive.

That it's me intentionally choosing
to act this certain way and do things

in a way that I believe is best.

And, so I equate that to, for
example, Going to the gym.

If you've decided that you're going
to be a person who goes to the gym

every single day, then you're gonna
go to the gym every single day,

even when you don't feel like it.

If you're a person who's decided you're
gonna brush your teeth every day,

you're gonna brush your teeth every
day, even if you don't feel like it.

a lot of times we justify or make excuses
for why we shouldn't have to do that

thing that we don't feel like doing in
the moment, when You know, and especially

in a leadership situation, a lot of
times I didn't feel like doing the right

thing, but I did the right thing because
it was what I had committed to doing

and I chose to be conscious about it.

Other times, I was reactive and anytime
that I was reactive, then all bets

were off as to how that would go.

But when I was conscious, I knew what the
result would be and I could stick by it.

rather than getting weak and saying,
nevermind, I'll just do something

else because that's too hard.

When it got really hard, I could still
stick by it and it worked much better.

Does that make sense?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

when you can take that approach in
your leadership, it opens the doors

for you to do all kinds of amazing
other things because you're not

stuck in this idea of just reacting.

to everything.

And right now, especially schools are
full of chaos and difficult things

happening and people are just reacting.

They're not thinking long term.

They're not doing the things
they know they should be doing.

So if you could narrow down some
of the things that a conscious

leader does on a regular basis,
what would be some of those things?

Listens with curiosity.

Listens for understanding and clarity.

Versus listens to prove their
way, to prove their point,

to really is just a listener.

if everybody just listened,
that would change things a lot.

That would be great.

Give me one other thing that
conscious leaders do regularly.

Communicates with

that too regular.

Communicates

What does that look

Willing to share my heart, my, and
by that a vulnerable leader to me is

willing to say to you, I messed up.

You know what?

I reacted in that moment where I got
some things to fix and do differently.

So that, so I'm willing to
communicate that you, with you.

I'm also willing to communicate with
you, Hey, we need to work on this.

This is one thing, like I'm willing to
have that conversation with you because

I've built a trusting relationship.

And so I'm willing to have that
conversation with you and say, Hey, here's

one thing that as a school community,
it's essential that I ask you to work on.

Okay.

And then the flexibility piece for me is
as I was a principal, I've worked at the

district office level, and now I work
mostly with superintendents, assistant

superintendents at that level is that
willing to be flexible in our thinking

because it's ever changing and I can't
go, Yes, do I want a path, do I want a

vision, all of those things, but having
that flexibility in the path probably

isn't going to look like what we thought
the path would look like when we started.

And so that ability to be flexible,
and it's not to take that personal

that I'm not a good enough leader,
I couldn't go straight there so that

is my flexibility and vulnerability

Yeah, I like that.

That's good.

I think that flexibility and vulnerability
is so important, and Too often we

think there's a certain way we have
to do things or we can't vary from it

or if we're different with one person
then we're not being authentic and I

think that would be the other thing
that I would add to that flexibility

and vulnerability is the authenticity
that you're really who you are and um,

what I've found with this piece and I'm
still trying to articulate it Tammy so

give me a second to work through this.

When you are authentic, you don't
need a script, you don't need a

playbook, you don't need a thing to
tell you what to do in the moment

because you're being authentic.

When you're not being authentic,
you need someone holding your hand

saying, this is the next step.

And we all want to be better and
we all want to improve, but if we

were just authentic, We might not
need to improve as much as we think

and part of that challenge is that

We have this idea of what we should be
doing And if it's not true to us, then

it's really hard to do that and everybody
can see through it but we think that they

can't and so as I've made decisions the
decisions that I've made as a leader that

were authentic were the ones where I could
have the right kind of flexibility because

it was focused on who I really was.

And so I, I was true to myself,
but I could also be like, yeah, I

could bring down this or push this
part up and be okay with that.

Any thoughts on that?

Like I said, I'm still
working through this.

And think the authentic pieces
is so important to leadership.

And I think the only thing I would
have to add to that I loved what you

had to say, but I think the piece I
would add to that is And when I'm a

conscious leader, I am being authentic.

So if I go back to my example,
I'm experiencing some fear,

worry, doubt about this X, Y, Z.

But I'm taking that step
back to lead from here.

Somebody goes, you're not being, no, I am
actually honoring those feelings going.

Yeah, you guys, I got some worry
around this, I got some fear around

this, but I'm stepping up almost
outside of myself and it's a podcast.

Nobody can see my hands

right.

and I talk with my hands is stepping back
and helping people make that connection.

I'm still Experiencing that emotion.

I'm just choosing to lead and say, this
is the way we want to go as a group.

And so helping people make that
connection, that's not being inauthentic.

I don't have to sit in there and solve the
problem from that level of consciousness.

I can still experience it and take
that moment to go, okay here's What

will take us down that journey.

I don't know if that makes

Yeah, that totally does.

That's great.

And I like the visual of you stepping
outside and above yourself, and saying,

Who do I really want to be in this moment?

How do I really want to act?

And let me act that way.

And as time goes on, you'll change and
grow and develop and become Even better.

And there are some times where you'll be
like, Ugh, I just do not have the strength

to do what I need to be doing right now.

But, who do I really want to be?

I want to be that person?

I'm going to do it anyway, because
that's the right thing to do.

That's who I want to be, and
I'm being authentic, I'm being

conscious, and focused on doing that.

Ra you that reminds me of, and I will
mess it up because I'm not Rachel,

one of our coaches uses this story
of, um, who did the sculpture, David.

Wow.

Michelangelo.

okay.

He carved away what David was not.

Yeah.

And that's as we think about ourselves,
like I'm, no, I really want to get

down to the heart of who I am and
carve away those things I'm not.

That I've built over time as adaptive
behaviors to air quote protect myself,

and that fight, flight, so I want to
as a leader carve away what I'm not

and really be my authentic self.

Yeah that's really powerful.

Tammy, thanks so much for being part
of Resilient Schools and all the

work that you're doing here at SDAC.

Appreciate you being
here on the show today.

Alright, thank you for having me.

my pleasure.